patricia - Does Absence Make the Heart Grow Fonder ...

We?ve all heard the old adage ?absence makes the heart grow fonder,? but have you ever wondered if it?s really true? What about it?s competition: ?out of sight out of mind?? But try looking at long-distance relationship ? why are they so strong and close? Even without a psychologydegree we can look at the behavioral and neurological basis to the absence-fondness theory, and its opposite, both of which have been experienced by more than just the poetically-inclined.

Take, for example, the tremendous increase in online relationships. Hundreds of online dating sites have sprung up, and some reports say nearly one?insix?relationships?now?begin?online.?? While some remain skeptical of the likelihood of any kind of true feelings developing for a person through online and phone contact only, many people involved in these relationships will tell you they are immensely happy.

Besides the huge number of online and long-distance relationships all over the globe, we must also take into consideration what happens when these online lovers finally come together in real life. While a large majority will continue their relationships, it?s noteworthy that the divorce rate for couples who began their relationships online is significantly?higher?than those who originally met in person. Seems to me, the heart must be fond of distance, with statistics like that.

Many theories might substantiate or undercut the saying as a real interpersonal phenomenon. Let us first look at online couples who haven?t yet met. When your only communication is carried out over long distances through phones, chat, text, Skype, social media, etc., then you likely haven?t had to deal with the other person?s ?isms,? the everyday habits and peculiarities that each of us have in the particular way we do things. Maybe you pop your gum, tap your spoon on the side
of your coffee cup or arrange everything in the fridge a certain way.

With many couples these little characteristic traits are often endearing at the beginning of the relationship when endorphin?levels?in?the?brain,? brought on by the novel feeling of love, are still high. Once you?ve settled into a predictable routine with your loved one and the endorphins wear off, those little isms often drive partners completely bonkers. Because in an online world we can still control what the other person sees and because they don?t live with us, many of those annoying or sometimes really bad habits are never seen. This can have the effect of making us seem like the ?perfect? person, when in fact there is no such thing.

Now consider couples who have met in person, but for whatever reason are now living separately or have become separated for a length of time. While many of those bothersome habits may have been noticed and perhaps even caused heated arguments, both people might suddenly seem to fall back in love with each other after a separation. To understand this situation, it?s important to know how our brains record memories.

Experiences associated with the most intense emotional responses from our systems create the most vivid memories.? So while small or petty arguments may have broken the relationship down at the time, once the couple is separated, those regular rough spots stop. After enough time more intense positive memories overshadow those of the arguments and annoyances. It?s really that the emotional level was higher during the good events than during the small bad ones, but the way we experience it is eventually the minor friction is nearly forgotten and the memories of good times regain full hold.

All the recollection of fantastic time spent together, with clarity preserved by the high emotional intensity that imbues such memories, longing develops. We crave those positive emotional responses again despite the issues that drove us apart. So in this case, it could be said absence has indeed caused the heart to grow fonder.

What about the out of sight, out of mind crowd? Why don?t these basic principles apply to them as well? That?s a tougher question to answer. Very real examples exist in unfaithful spouses or people who take extended vacations and seem to forget their loved ones back home. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what of these situations?

It?s very rarely the case that because a person is out of sight, they are truly entirely out of mind, but we can imagine some basic emotional chemistry that might underlie such a situation. Someone emotionally hurt by a separation may actually have stronger memories of the painful events in the relationship than those endorphin-laden positive ones. Alternatively, a new attraction could result in new, high-endorphin-definition positive memories whose freshness might overwhelm
recollections that otherwise could?ve given rise to that fond longing.

Ultimately it seems that while absence (and sometimes the initial separation in long-distance relationships) really can make the heart grow fonder, it?s sometimes equally true that a lover can be out of sight and effectively out of mind. Maybe it seems contradictory, but at the heart of both adages lies basic brain chemistry. Sorry, scientists, but it looks like the poets got it right ? the heart?s just fickle that way.

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet?marketing.? However, if you?d prefer to break the link, my bio is ?Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing with psychologydegree.net

Source: http://www.relationshiprepair.net/blog/does-absence-make-the-heart-grow-fonder/

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